Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I’ve been trying to pry my body open. Knife, scissors. I want to see my soul without this sickly skin, clinging, transforming everything I am into nothing. Once, I was outside of myself, trying to come back in.

Disconnected. Line DEAD. No transmission. Failing intuition. No submission to the body…in my mind. Blind to essence. No coalescence.

Praying for soul to sink into pores. Exclaiming for God to return me to what I was. But instead I saw a girl in the mirror, looking in to what was her face and seeing nothing, but eyes, nose, mouth…independent parts with no connection. Empty ideas…just misshaped skin and bone plugged into sockets. How do you continue when all you perceive yourself to be is stuff? Sand, rock, soil. You are as inanimate as these objects. Something that can be blown into the wind and dispersed. Something lit on fire and unfeeling. My soul watched…what my body had become…nothing. But God would not reconcile the two. No matter how hard I screamed…pleaded to have my body back. I would just watch her move…spiritless. But she returned…and now that I have her, she reigns like a tyrant.

1 comment:

Jonina Kirton said...

imogen, you speak my language. the emptiness of life can become overwhelming and this is coming from a long time spiritual seeker who has experienced some amazing highs.

there is a soulessness to the pace we are asked to keep in this world. women seem to feel this more. perhaps it is our watery nature.

the internal work is a solitary job and can be very lonely, i always say it is not for the faint of heart.

i love how you express the utter dismay at where the narrator finds themself. many could relate. keep it up!! do not sugar coat it. it is in the admission of how empty we feel that we will find how vast we are inside. the emptiness will only swallow up what we do not require. it is like stepping off a cliff without any visible means of support. trusting there will be someone or should i say something that will be catch us or should i say float us to the bottom of where we need to go.