Monday, June 1, 2009

I'm scared. A force prevails in me, foretelling, foreboding, frequenting my conscience. The force is powerful, human. I am visited by a future self less naive, less unknowing. A future self that knows life, has breathed in heart wrenching loss, that has felt pain seethe in her bones. A future self that has felt hope diminish, has forgot it amidst a torrent of emotion. I'm scared of that woman.

I'm afraid that she'll hurt me, the hope that lives in me. When those I know, when those who constitute who I am go, what will remain? I'm scared. My heart trembles. I know of hope, afterlife, of seizing the day and loving hard, I know strength, of reason and purpose, of endurance and meaning. I know these things. I live for these things. I'm just scared, that for a tiny second, a moment, I will lose these things, all of them, consumed and swallowed in grief and despair not knowing, no longer certain that I'll see you again, that I can live without you. That I can actually do this alone.

I know I can. I'm just scared.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

o my..i relate to every bit of this post...it's painted a picture of my deepest fears in a most realistic and artistic way. i never imagined being afraid of my future self but your writing brought to light the reality and magnitude of the woman i'll become..she will definitely have more pain, more loss in life, than i could ever know now..and that scares me to bits...and like you, i know i can coz we've got God, but the fear is there.

maybe as i grow in God i will fully realise and embody the verse "Perfect love casts out all fear." all fear.

thanx for another amazing, thought-provoking post girl!!

~s.

Imogen Mutama said...

Hey girl,
thanks for always commenting=) Yes, thinking of that future self is quite scary, because its so up in the air what will happen in our lives and how it will affect us. But yes, like you said, perfect love does cast out all fear...and the more we grow in confidence in God...the easier it will be to focus on him when difficulties arise.

I'm not saying we wont feel pain, b/c pain is always there. In fact, its that pain that scares me the most. But we'll have confidence and certainty b/c we have God. I guess it sort of keeps us in check..thinking like this, helps us to know whats the most important. Thanks for posting, your comments are always extremely insightful!!